waiting
i think one place that motherhood has really aided some change in my heart...
hm, that is one way to put it.
i think a part of my heart and spirit that have been rubbed, pulled and washed away from this mighty river called motherhood and kiddos has been time. time that was once so scheduled, once so yours, once so easy to plan.
things you could just "squeeze in" stop. running a quick errand, or getting out the door- these small steps have never taken so long. to.get.out.the.door. can take 45 long minutes.
and while i adjust, while i sink into mama-of-three, i find myself constantly shifting my expectation and wanting to choose the path of peace.
but i notice it affecting every area of my life. why hurry? why push and stress. why run from one thing to the next and even let myself feel frantic. no need. take each moment. arrange, plan, and then allow.
i went to meet up with a woman who i had talked with over a month ago at a new camp. she had been overwhelmingly insistent that she wanted to see me again. It was a new area where refugees had set up camp, a hollowed concrete block of space, not sure if it was abandoned or unfinished building, and some tents surrounded it.
I did not even know her real name, i thought i might know it, but was unsure. So i show up on a sunny beautiful spring day and everyone is sitting outside or doing work outside, hanging up laundry or cleaning carpets. I begin my inquiring after this woman.
no one has heard of her, and they seemed confused by my description. I persist and try and explain in a different way.
there were many moments that i persisted when i could have just given up. I could have sat down as they urged me to over and over again. They even said " what is so special about her that you want to visit her and not us? " how do you explain that someone's spirit speaks loud and clear and there was something beautiful, full of grace, inviting and hungry in this woman's spirit ?
they bring a woman by the name of yasmiin, because that is what i thought her name was. she is panting slightly and very pregnant, she has walked a fair amount to get here with her 2 year old because a foreigner is asking after her. could i be bringing food? help? i look at her and immediately know this is not the woman i am looking for. ooooof.
the normal thing to do is give up my somewhat vague and proving to be unhelpful search. but there was something in me driving me forward. that is what friendship with the Holy Spirit does, it urges you past social norms, past ease, and pushes you to wait. wait for it, Mary.
So i walk past the building to the back and start asking the women way behind. finally a woman offers to walk with me. We walk for about 5 minutes through empty fields and come upon a tent, it is not the woman i am looking for. This woman joins us and we walk on. After about 10 minutes of walking, i spot her.
the woman i am after.
She greets me with a radiating smile and runs to me. she has been waiting for me.
We sit on this gorgeous spring day and she excitedly tell the women all about me, that she heard my stories, how Jesus has changed my life, and she has not stopped thinking about it. She has thought of my words almost every single day since she heard them. wow.
We drink tang, the world feels alive with beauty, green grass and small snails and their children play in mud, in water, and in grass. The sun beams down on us as we talk about being women that can offer hope, of syrians being strong, and how can they rebuild the hears of their people?
it was such a beautiful meeting, so worth the wait and the persistence. so worth pushing past the awkward of refusing others for her.
after all, she was waiting for me too.
hm, that is one way to put it.
i think a part of my heart and spirit that have been rubbed, pulled and washed away from this mighty river called motherhood and kiddos has been time. time that was once so scheduled, once so yours, once so easy to plan.
things you could just "squeeze in" stop. running a quick errand, or getting out the door- these small steps have never taken so long. to.get.out.the.door. can take 45 long minutes.
and while i adjust, while i sink into mama-of-three, i find myself constantly shifting my expectation and wanting to choose the path of peace.
but i notice it affecting every area of my life. why hurry? why push and stress. why run from one thing to the next and even let myself feel frantic. no need. take each moment. arrange, plan, and then allow.
i went to meet up with a woman who i had talked with over a month ago at a new camp. she had been overwhelmingly insistent that she wanted to see me again. It was a new area where refugees had set up camp, a hollowed concrete block of space, not sure if it was abandoned or unfinished building, and some tents surrounded it.
no one has heard of her, and they seemed confused by my description. I persist and try and explain in a different way.
there were many moments that i persisted when i could have just given up. I could have sat down as they urged me to over and over again. They even said " what is so special about her that you want to visit her and not us? " how do you explain that someone's spirit speaks loud and clear and there was something beautiful, full of grace, inviting and hungry in this woman's spirit ?
they bring a woman by the name of yasmiin, because that is what i thought her name was. she is panting slightly and very pregnant, she has walked a fair amount to get here with her 2 year old because a foreigner is asking after her. could i be bringing food? help? i look at her and immediately know this is not the woman i am looking for. ooooof.
the normal thing to do is give up my somewhat vague and proving to be unhelpful search. but there was something in me driving me forward. that is what friendship with the Holy Spirit does, it urges you past social norms, past ease, and pushes you to wait. wait for it, Mary.
So i walk past the building to the back and start asking the women way behind. finally a woman offers to walk with me. We walk for about 5 minutes through empty fields and come upon a tent, it is not the woman i am looking for. This woman joins us and we walk on. After about 10 minutes of walking, i spot her.
the woman i am after.
She greets me with a radiating smile and runs to me. she has been waiting for me.
We sit on this gorgeous spring day and she excitedly tell the women all about me, that she heard my stories, how Jesus has changed my life, and she has not stopped thinking about it. She has thought of my words almost every single day since she heard them. wow.
We drink tang, the world feels alive with beauty, green grass and small snails and their children play in mud, in water, and in grass. The sun beams down on us as we talk about being women that can offer hope, of syrians being strong, and how can they rebuild the hears of their people?
it was such a beautiful meeting, so worth the wait and the persistence. so worth pushing past the awkward of refusing others for her.
after all, she was waiting for me too.
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