biting my lip and the power of retrospect.

i have found myself biting the inside of my lip more often this year than i have any other year in my life.

maybe the fiery 3 year old who likes to test me in almost every instance. 

maybe having the fussy, reflux babe for the first five months who did not sleep. 

maybe adding the three together and trying to get them into the car. or to bed. or dinner. 

i have many moments of biting my lip and what i would refer to as "gritting" through it. Nothing pretty, nothing sparkly, no kissing your newborn's neck emotions or cuddling close to a dark-eyed- wonder listening to their thoughts...this is when you.just.have.to.get.through.

 We decided to take our visitors ( ken and beth! ) up the mountain to see the snow and play and sled along with all our kids on Sunday. I had reservations, i was exhausted and thought the roads would be crowded and we may not even make it up the mountain. But instead of stopping and thinking it through i allowed myself to get swept into the preparations and hurl head long into this wintry snow day outing. 

 oh man. Traffic was insane and after piling all the older kids and the moms in my van ( so 5 kids and three mamas) we were mediating bickering, handing out snacks, coming up with distractions, discipling kids who were hitting and/or kicking each other,  and trying to keep it cool while being stuck in stand- still traffic which began to feel like it would never cease.

 then the cry goes up- i need to go potty. So i put the van in park and take the three children 5, 4,3 out of the car- we all three step into a melted puddle of snow and so now my foot is soaked. wishing i had my rain boots on. we are still in the middle of traffic so horns are honking, feet are drenched, and i am just trying to keep my kids alive.  I cut across a road as cars come careening down the hill on slush and i am biting my lip and praying that this restaurant that looks closed will allow us to use their bathroom. 

they do and i help the kids remove layers and go to the bathroom. 

 we go back into traffic and i am wishing i had brought water, brought more snacks, and in general quite low for my making memory self.

 The road up to the mountain is closed so the kids pile out into the traffic circle to play in some snow and i find a place to park and try and breastfeed a very.hungry.babe. 

 My feet throb with the cold. 

 We spot a more secluded are and have the families come play in the snow where there is less people and amazing views.

I hold my 25 pound babe for way to long and then my other daughters tell me they need to go potty again so we race down the snowy hill to what looks like a pretty abandoned building and i am searching for some sort of shelter. I find a place beside the building and pull down layla's pants when a women calls to me from her balcony as she is smoking a cigarette. not. so.abandoned.

 i look at layla and just tell her- babe i am going to need you to hold this until we go eat lunch. she gets it. mama. is. maxed. 

 We find a place to eat lunch and it is 2: 25 and our kids are so hungry it is all they can think about and yet the place is taking so long to bring our food. we can see our breath as we talk and it does not have the cozy fire- side feel that you would love to have after playing in the snow. 

  as we pull into my house around 4 pm and i unload my exhausted girls i think about how many moms out there bite their lips and grit through tough moments so that the family can have a memory. It is not easy creating these things and the build up, and the packing and they snow items and then the laundry and coming home to make dinner...it get's lost on sweet 3 year old eyes. 

 but all she can talk about is that snow ball fight and "sledding" on the card board and making a snow man. All the moments that the spinning plates felt like they were all falling and just might shatter...they are gone and lost forever on the littles who went and had a snow day with their buddies. 

 It is hard to predict what outing is going to feel wonderful and smooth and what outing is going to tap into all your patience reserves. but there is one thing- when you look back it is always way less painful and acute ....