A Divergent pregnancy

   Well, this little pregnant mama has been laid out sick and exhausted. I rise from the couch to do the essential tasks and then return as quickly as I can. What an existence. I often think of my Syrian friends who have 10,11,12,14 children. That means most of your life you are pregnant. Yikes.

 “Essential tasks” has been changing diapers, helping with potty, bathing, getting ready for school, cooking and laundry. That is all. A real surge of energy might mean mom down on the floor playing with you. But mostly the couch is where things revolve around.

  I have fought off feeling like a complete flop, knowing and believing that making a baby is hard work. That this is not the mom Layla and Sophia will always remember.  Someday soon I will re-emerge into making memories mama.

one of the few and  far between outings we took...

  If the girls are napping or asleep and I can’t move off the couch, I have found myself reading. Plunged into some worlds and have loved them.

I have lost myself in the world of divergent, allegiant, and insurgent- just ask the girls on the team. ;) and as I let my imagination become fascinated with people who rescue, save and try and change the world they live in…I realize that these are the stories worth reading.  

  Because as true and loving and exciting as being a mama is…of making incredible memories and creating home for these girls, there is more.   The world around me has been lied to. Deceived. And I know the truth, and it has set me free.

     I may not feel like it lately because I am trying to not think about throwing up, or just getting through the day…but I have been invited into the most epic story of all time. I am a part of a different Kingdom- that is more powerful than all the darkness around me…all the hopelessness, all the pain, fear, despair, violence.

  That is my family’s adventure and story.   

    Oh that my girls would live that, would know that. That every time we go into neighbors houses, Syrians friends, school and parks we are getting the opportunity to invite people into this glorious kingdom.

It is no small thing. It requires courage, grit, bravery, perseverance and sacrifice. And that is what I want us to live and value.

 

 So even though the fun, dancing, full-of-energy mama has been thrown on her back- the true core of who I am, of who we are to be is still there.  Feeling the fire in her bones that people, hundreds and hundreds, would be rescued from pain, fear, and despair into His glorious light.